Duh....

Now I enjoy to speak my mind in english. Besides, it seems that no one giving any crap in this blog, lol. Which means, no one read this blog and I can talk about anything in here. Well, it doesn't mean that I don't like anyone read this blog. Seriously, what's the point to make it public. But, I kinda bothered by the fact that some cruel people from my past are reading my blog that mostly filled by my scandalous life that I will never ever share to the world. I mean, they are totally cruel people who will definitely laugh so hard behind my back.

And I'm surely can imagine one person who will smirk at me now, telling people about how pity my life is and then they make a joke about it. I swear, if that really happening in the future, I will chop that person's head MWAHAHAHAHAHA.

Anyway, I was on twitter and people were talking about Stockholm Syndrome. I was surprised that the very definition of Stockholm Syndrome almost define my dad and mom's act to me and my siblings. I, myself don't know how to feel about this. Coz whatever they did to us, it affect our love life. I mean, we, three brother and sister don't easily fall in love, that's for one. We don't just play around with any guys and girls.

And other news today is......

Damn, I miss Ikkyu so much.

I was so close to get a resolution to get his love no matter what. But, that is so wrong. And I still don't know what to do.

The Truth About me NOW

So, yeah... I'm broken-hearted now. Again.

This time with the most beautiful guy I've ever seen. I fell in love with him at the first sight. Again.

Gosh, I just don't know how it works. Why on earth I always fall in love at first sight? It's excruciating, because from the moment I saw him, I was already crazy in love. No need for him to give me gifts, all those flattering words and stuffs, then BANG!, my heart is in his hands completely.

Okay, for the record, I know how it works. I'm actually has a 'thing' like I can visualize every person's personality in the first sight. You can say that this is a 6th sense or something, but I just know about people that I met for the first time. And of course when I met Ikkyu (a guy that broke my heart), I just know him.

My heart was telling me that he is so kind that he'll be able to be fooled by people. Not to mention he also has a great smile and tall and beautiful, lols. My weaknesses are all there. So obvious I fell in love right away. I remember he used to tell my friend that I was not interested in him. He was so devastated back then coz' my friends keep pushing him to hitting on me.

But, the truth is, I was so into him that I had no power to talk normally to him, but he thought on the contrary. And here I am now, wondering what would happened if at that time, I wasn't acting myself, and I wore make-up, mascara, and stuff, then flirted at him. I am wondering if at that time, I asked his phone number with the sweetest smile on my face and said something nice to him, like 'Man, you're so handsome'. Maybe we can become an item for now.

But, I know God has a plan for this too. Or maybe he's not the one. I gotta look somewhere. Someone who has same sweetest smile like Ikkyu. Or maybe better than that.

But, one thing I adore about Ikkyu so much. He's an honest person. I mean he bravely told me that he's taken, that he's already got himself a girlfriend. Totally not like a jerk from my past who lied to me that he already had a girlfriend.

God, tell me please.

Should I steal Ikkyu from his girlfriend?
Or should I find another guy?

God?

Really. What could I do without God? Nothing.

But my faith is fading.

I wish I was the old me. Standing on the darkness within myself. Totally counting on it to keep living. In that way, at least I could be stronger inside and outside. Thinking that I don’t bother with anyone. I don’t give a damn about other people. They hurt me, I hurt them more.

People are so mean inside. A real human is only thinking about themselves only. Their nature is to hate other people, and that’s why I hate people back. But since I know God, I don’t hate no more. I strip my darkness upon His Cross, and I don’t know why I feel so fragile after that.

Lord, I give up.

After all my lies that I don’t need You no more, deep inside I’m crying to have Thee by my side.

And I know You won’t just give up on me.

Thank You so much, Lord. I love You always.

Am Tired to be hurt

Love.

How long I’ve waited for an exciting desire in my heart.
For the one that I will think about all the time.
For the one that I will give everything to.

I was empty at that time.
The feeling of longing someone out there.

But, when I found that someone,
I know I will be crushed into pieces.
Crying all my feeling,
In happy moments or in sad moments

There’s a saying,
‘It’s better to get rejected than not speak your feeling to the one you love’,
But I said otherwise,
It’s better to not speak your feeling than get rejected.

I have told everything that was kept in my heart to him,
I did everything I could to get his love,
But then I turn as a wounded animal.

I wish I didn't say all of that,
At least my wound wouldn't be this hurt.

I’m tired to get hurt, blistered, and everything.

I just want to be happy.

Have a peace in my mind and soul.


(Picture taken from HERE.)

My World after....

I feel like my world is tumbling down. My love has gone, and that and this, so many things that I can’t explain in here. I feel like my life is a big failure. Even my escapee from reality, which is love, is not there to comfort me, to console me. I know I still have people to care about me, but still, I can’t find my peace. The only thing I want is only him. Not anything else.

It’s all my fault.

It always be.

I know I was wrong, but I thought I could control everything coz’ everything was so easy for me, but not until now. It seems that everything I do is failing. All the time. My mom got enough of me. She thought me as a contageous virus. But I don’t blame her. It’s all my fault. And I don’t know what to do anymore.

They said I can count on God. I know they’re right, but sometimes it’s not enough for me. Well, I’m just human. We do sometimes don’t believe what we don’t see.

I am broken. Maybe it’s about time for me to rot in hell.

To not happy in my entire life.

But I don’t want people call me as a looser. I’m brave in heart. I have so many great talents.  But, I don’t use it well. I have abused God’s gift to me. So many many many His gift to me, but I throw it all, as if I’m a pig with pearls necklace. Totally useless. And I’m so ashamed. I don’t love myself anymore. I feel not precious. I’m desperate.

Please, God. If You do really care of me. If You do really want to help me. Send me one of Your divine angels. Tell Your angels to be by my side, whispering all those spirits, words, and all the bravery I need to my ears, so I can stand tough through all these shits. So I can be happy in my life. So I can know where I will go.

I’m sorry, God. I can’t stand all these burdens.
I’m sorry if I keep complaining.

(Picture take from HERE.)

I hate 'now'

To be honest, I'm in a state of hating myself right now.

I don't know. I think I'm starting to need an uncivilized world where we don't have to worry about school, job, money mostly. Then we live in a place full of tree, wild animals, and river. We hunt for food. We die for food also, lol.

Though It got me thinking, How do I live without electric company in a place like that? Precisely, how do I live without my laptop?

But, that's not the point. The point is, my life is quite kinda miserable. My date ditch me, and right now I'm bitching out.

Yeah, I pray a lil bit. Just a lil bit, but still no works done until now. My emotions control the chemistry inside my head and it's messy as if a bullet blow out my brain and I can't work. And I hate myself for that.

I am just that pathetic. Thinking about pathetic guy. In my pathetic life.

I mean, COME ON. Why can't I get over it?

Or is it maybe a curse of being a girl?

I just can't believe myself stuck like this. I totally have thousand--okay, this sound may so overeated, but yeah, I totally have so many friends in Planet Mars who are lot better than him. I actually have couple friends that I've been considered as my future 'special'. They got the whole package: brain, money, cute and very very very kind person (though I'm not sure whether they're 'kind' or not as a guy).

BUT WHY ON THE WORLD I CAN'T GET HIM OUTTA MY MIND?

He's way too far from my imaginary husband of the future. He's not that cute. He's not a foreigner. He doesn't have a blue eyes, blond hair. He's not tall. He's not that kind as a guy (but totally he's kind as a person). He's not my guy of my dream. But, God knows why I love him so much. And I actually don't wanna admit it at a time like this. No, I won't. He hurt me in every way. And now He totally ignoring me.

I hate him.

Darn, God WHY? WHY HIM?

So Misery

I feel so alone. At home. Alone
You out there. Having good time. In glamorous place.
Party. Laugh and more laugh perhaps.

I remember you said something last night.
Full anger and hurt, you said, "I'll let them know, I will have a girlfriend tomorrow."
And me, a fool honest-stupid-unwise girl replied, "Then....what about me?"

Tonight, I'm wondering where you are now.
What are you doing. Are you still thinking about last night? About me?
Do you still remember about your promise to meet me ASAP?

I wanna send you message, to get those answers, but my pride won't let me.

My heart still aching.
I cannot breathe today, thinking all my faults last night.

But you, at least get your release, and for the best, you're having great time.

Uh-well... then let me die alone in misery...

Without you....